Hello everyone. I know haven’t written regulary on those days I have planned to write, and some weeks I only write one post instead of three. I am trying to improve myself on this. Well, not only on this, but on my health and everything else.

So this post will be about health, diseases, mental health and pain. I do believe that I have told you guys that my health is really bad, or it was really bad with lots of pain.

I do have a disease that is called Raynaud’s disease and for most of you who have never heard of it, it is an disease that attacks the blood vessels. I got the diagnosis about 3-4 years ago, but I have had it for atleast 12 years ( I tend to wait to go to the doctor until someone makes me go), and I have struggeled alot. The disease is working in that when I get cold or exposed to vibration in some way then my blood vessels shut down and my fingers and toes lose blood and I get in alot of pain. I do take medication, it’s not made for Raynaud’s disease but it makes my blood flow better through my body and it will take longer before I get in pain. Check out this link: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/raynauds-disease/symptoms-causes/syc-20363571 or google Raynaud’s disease if you want to now more about it.

I also have to short and tight muscles in my hole body and at one point in my life it was so bad that I had so much pain that my doctor wanted to disable me and make me go on disability benefits for I was more on sick leave because of pain than I was at work. This was about 7-8 years ago and then it was hard to get “disabled” if you didn’t have any sicknes or pain that was showing on bloodtests or on X-rays or it was visible on the outside of your body. So I didn’t get disabled, I was 20-21 years old and I was not ready to become disabled, I wanted to work, I still want to work (after I am done studying) so I am glad that I didn’t get diasbled back then. Today I am in so much less pain, my muscles are so much more flexible than ever before and when I do say that I mean that I am still tight, but now I am as tight as a normal person that don’t do yoga or any form of stretching. I would probably have been even more flexible if I did yoga regulary and if I hadn’t put on 30kg on my body. So now I am on a yoga journey and weightloss journey and this is all in my process of becoming more elegant.

This is something I haven’t talked about here. For some time I was struggling with bad depression. It’s was so bad at somepoint that I was thinking of taking my own life. This was when I was 15 years old. I did get over my suicidal thoughts after I moved away from home at the age of 16. I still stuggled with deprisson though, and was struggling even more than I liked to admitt even to myself. I did have friends that I loved (and still do), I had boyfriends (not at the same time) and the first relationship I was in was really bad, he manipulated me and abused me, so after I broke up with him and moved in with my grandmother I was so low that I could only handle it if you “abused” me, in the way that I couldn’t handle compliments, if you told me I was fat or ugly then I would smile and go yep I am fat, and yep I am ugly and then I went to do other things, it didn’t bother me. But if you gave me a compliment like that my hair looked good that day, or that I looked good or anything in that apartment I would try and make you believe that you were wrong and that I was right. That is quite fucked up. I went to several psycologist but I soon gave up on them, the last one did see was more interested in my sexlife rather then talk about my depression and the fact that it was under a year since my dad died. It’s six years since he died I still miss him so much.

I have come out of the depression and I am so fucking glad about it! It has been really hard and I have done it all on my own. Kim Ove has supported me during this, and without him it would have been so much harder then it was. It wasn’t easy and I still have periods that I struggle, but they are not as often as they used to be, and they are not as intense as they used to be. And there isn’t a right answer to how to come out of a depression or to handle anxiety attacks, you just have found your way and work hard.

As you may have understand my health was so so bad, and I pretty much lived on painmedication during my worst periode with pain and at one point in my life I wanted to end my life. Now I am sitting at our desk writing listening on podcasts and looking around our house and feel so blessed that I have my boyfriend, a house/home, that I live somewhere where nature is right outside my house, my friends, pretty much everything in my life. I got out of my depression, I have less pain, I try to find clothes that look and feel good and are warm (since we live somewhere where it can be up until -40*C/-14.40*F outside in the winter) and not least affordable for me as a student. My health is better than it was, it will never be 100% good because of my disease, but I will do my best to have a health that is as good as it can be with my disease. I will not succumb to feeling sorry for myself and make my health so much worse just because I have a disease. I will keep doing yoga, jogging and cycling (since I do ride my bike to and from the trainstop) and I will keep french kiss life, and do my thing and I hope you find your way in life, and that you don’t let any pain, mental disease or other disease dictate your life.

Love Emilie ❤